Running straight into Lack
13 April 2020
We have seen so much of our personal freedom slowly stripped back during this quarantine and the common theme to this “taking” has been met with resistance.
As a world it seems we have gone through waves of complete acceptance and surrender, to fear and gripping anxiety around control.
For a while I was captivated and deeply touched by the idea that whatever people are gravitating towards in this time to heal and soothe themselves is their gift…which hasn’t changed.
The individual pursuit and act of delving back into art, exercise and learning is pushing people into a remembering of who they are without all the static of the world - that’s beautiful.
However I’ve come to see all gifts, given to the self in order to soothe and cope with intense fear, if not given with intention have the potential to become an escape.
Over the last few weeks I’ve observed addiction in myself and others.
During a virtual call with some old friends someone opened up about their heroin addiction and immediately it felt like everyone was holding their breath, walking on egg shells - trying to apply a justification of chemical dependency and spiralling into the debate of legality.
People have their own personal ways of coping; drugs, drinking, smoking, meditation, love, social media, food. It became apparent the hierarchy of “acceptability” and the stark truth of how much shame we have associated with addiction.
Each coping mechanism is truly the same when we realise addiction is not to the substance itself but to the underlying feeling of fear. The fear of lack.
Denial is also a coping mechanism.
I looked at my own patterns of addiction attached to food, drugs, money, love and just generally material things.
After getting an urge to paint I went looking for my supplies and reached a point where I felt I was suffocating in my own space.
I became increasingly aware of being surrounded by so much stuff I have held onto - things that make my “identity".
For myself I’ve found that true healing has come from writing about my experience and just stepping out my front door with nothing.
In that virtual call I saw true humanity; I saw people with open hearts who let out their breath and softened to the vulnerability of another, opening the channel of sharing in someone’s journey.
By the end two members chose to reconnect afterwards to discuss it further so one could be more informed and in a better position to help another friend going through that same dependency.
As a species we are dependent on connection and it feels it has been taken away from us. In a world where we lack and crave true intimacy, being put in isolation is terrifying.
If we dare to face that underlying fear of lack, to run straight into it and face it. Understand the need for coping mechanisms and set them down slowly, we can find that we are strong enough to not only cope but meet those needs - especially if we don’t feel alone.
In being stripped of our freedom, we’re being forced to face our concept of identity. Who we are when we have to reclaim control.
To connect with others is freedom.
To connect with yourself is freedom.
It takes faith to trust that we are not lacking and it’s a hard habit to break after years of belief.
We are a world going through withdrawal. Be gentle with yourself.
